This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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