I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
50% drunk capacity currently
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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