Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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