I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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