I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
