Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
