Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
