i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
