Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
