Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
