If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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