I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this hospital has no fireball
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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