I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
