I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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