I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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