I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
