I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Come see our sink grown plant.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
