Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
