my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
