Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
