I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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