My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
