The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ladies don't puke and tell
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
