I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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