I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
