I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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