You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
