u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
