I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
