with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
