It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
