My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
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She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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