Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
