I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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