I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
