don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
