i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
