Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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