I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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