I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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