a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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