We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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