Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
