I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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