I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
