i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
