Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You left your phone here
Wait...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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