He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
