Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
