party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
