I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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