Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
