Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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