I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
