Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
