Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
