I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
