So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
