Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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