Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
