It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
