Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
