We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
